Daniel Tosh: Saw Myself Naked
Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago -- that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.'
Maria Bamford: Incoming Calls
My supervisor -- let's call him Greenbean -- said that there were certain bigwigs who you should never put on hold, certain VIPs who you should never put on hold, and I could never remember who those people were. So, I put everyone on hold and I conferenced them, and I let them sort it out amongst themselves.
Whitney Cummings: Silent Treatment
Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.
Louis C.K.: Working in Fast Food
The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, 'I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife.' And I was thinking, 'I'm not doing that. I'm definitely not doing it.' But I thought, why just say, 'No! The hell with you!' and get fired? That's boring. Instead I said to him, 'Yeah, OK. I'll do it.' Then, I didn't do it, and he came up to me later: 'Did you scrape the gum off the tables?' I was like, 'Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure.' And later, he comes up, he goes, 'You didn't scrape the gum off the tables?' I'm like, 'Ah! No. Damn.' 'Are you gonna do it?' 'Yeah, of course I'm gonna do it.' Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days.
Tig: Where Would You Go?
I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and he's hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, 'If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?' And I was like, 'Anywhere?' He was like, 'Anywhere.' I was like, 'Uh -- to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.'
Leo Allen: If Animals Could Talk
We're in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friend's shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign -- I think that's what really bugged me -- and the sign said, 'If animals could talk, we probably wouldn't eat them.' Come on, we're already in the vegetarian restaurant! It made me want to make my own sign and hang it up right next to it with a frame that said, 'If vegetables could talk, we'd freak the f**k out.'
Arj Barker: Overwhelmed at the Shoe Store
There are so many types of shoes. There's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there -- I find it a little bit overwhelming. 'Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes?' Well, uh, I'd like to have that option. Hopefully, they're adjustable. I mean, I'd like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.
Whitney Cummings: All Balls
Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?
Whitney Cummings: On Lisa Lampanelli's Face
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: Lisa did an offensive joke earlier about Roger Ebert. His face is like that because he has jaw cancer. What's your excuse?
Whitney Cummings: On Lisa Lampanelli's Body
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: They say women's bodies are like a wonderland -- yours is more like a football field because it's 100 yards and a lot of black dudes have sprained their ankle on it.
Patton Oswalt: If You Make It to 90
If you can take care of yourself and make it to 90, starting at age 90, every year, one law no longer applies to you. Now it starts off small: when you turn 90, you can legally litter. You can litter whenever you want to. You just walk up to a cop on your 90th birthday and drop a cheeseburger wrapper: 'Hey guess what today is? Give me a kiss.'
Whitney Cummings: Stand-Up and Sex
Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.
Donald Glover: Serious Black Candidate
When he was coming up, people were like, 'We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate.' And then when he won, they were like, 'Our first multi-racial president.' And I was like, 'That's not fair.' I mean, let's set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldn't yell, 'Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!'
Jon Dore: Predict the Words
I don't like cell phones. I'm never sending another text message as long as I live because I don't like a phone that tries to predict the words I'm trying to send to people. 'Cause I move quickly. Last week I ended up sending a text that read, 'Hey baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day.' But I meant to text, 'You should get tested.'
Julian McCullough: Brain Can't Dream
Did you know that if you go to bed wasted, your brain can't dream? It's like a medical thing. I have my own theory and that's that your brain is like, 'Dude, I'm not going to entertain you after what you just did to me for the last six hours. Oh, you want feel what it's like to fly? Go f**k yourself. I'll be up all night with your liver, figuring out how we're going to make it to 50.'
Felipe Esparza: Dad's Furniture Fix
I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.
John Oliver: Taxation Without Representation
Frankly, I could not f**king believe I was not allowed to vote. Three and a half years I've lived here! I work hard -- relatively speaking for someone who does this for a living. I pay my taxes. I try to fit in. I've learnt your rudimentary language. I don't know what more you could reasonably expect me to do. And that's when it hit me. I know why I'm so angry. I know what this is -- taxation without representation. Now I get it. Now I see why you got so pissy about it all those years ago. It is annoying. You were right. It is annoying and consider that as close to an apology as you are ever going to get.
Dane Cook: By a Round of Applause
Comedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over -- 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause -- she's not clapping!'
Rory Albanese: Least Respected Place
I'm from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, 'Hey, where'd you grow up?' I'm like, 'Long Island.' And he's like, 'Loser.' Really? I grew up 22 miles from Manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. I feel like I win that round. I'm like, 'I've seen the ocean. Game over.'
Demetri Martin: Pillow Fights
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome -- that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'
Kevin Hart: No Longer Safe
Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.
Daniel Tosh: Airport Phone Fun
So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'Stand down, down blue team! Don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.
Demetri Martin: Rock, Paper, Scissors
I like rock, paper, scissors -- two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff -- I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together -- you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.
Dave Chappelle: The Only Time
You know the only time racism is really good for black people? Terrorism. Terrorism -- never take black hostages. You know it's true. You know why they don't take black hostages, don't you? 'Cause we're bad bargaining chips. They call the White House, 'Hello! We have got five black people, and we will kill them, too! Hello? Hello?'
Louis C.K.: Talking to Strangers
I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it. Just go up to somebody you don't know and and just go, 'Well how do you think I felt?'
Patton Oswalt: Please Spell Check Porn E-Mails
Porn e-mailers: if you're out there -- I know there's eight of you here -- please spell check your porn emails before you spam me. I know that I'm going to get porn emails forever -- I'm OK with that -- but just spell check them because I'm super OCD and I'll read something until it makes sense. And I don't want to waste 15 minutes going, 'Why does a Mexicorn duke want to slow-bur on my pens?'
Bill Hicks: Confusing L.A. Weather
L.A. is a very confusing place, only place I know where you can have, simultaneously, a drought and a flood. Every time you watch the weatherman, he goes, 'Rained all day, didn't help the drought. Back to you, Tom.' I got news for you, folks. If water doesn't solve your drought, you're screwed.
Rory Albanese: London McDonald's
She says, 'The way you're acting is the reason Europeans hate Americans.' And this is what I said -- true story -- 'Do you know where you are right now? Because you're in McDonald's. This is American soil. You might as well be at the f**king embassy. You might as well be at the embassy, sweetheart, 'cause nobody tells me how to act in McDonald's.'
John Oliver: Falling in Love with America
It was like falling in love with a girl who was just throwing up all over herself -- softly holding her hair back and whispering to her that everything was going to be alright. To me, that's what the last eight years were like, here in America: projectile vomiting all over yourself as the rest of the world rubbed your back, saying, 'Sssshhh, that's it. Let it all out.'
Gabriel Iglesias: The Only Big Friend Argument
When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.
Dan Naturman: Alumni Calls
You spend like a $100 grand in tuition, and you think you're done with them. Then for the rest of your life, they're calling up asking for money. No one else does that. If I see a movie, I don't get a call from the theater, like, 'We're buying a new projector, can you kick in a few bucks? We're calling all the "Spiderman II" alumni.'
Dan Cummins: Greeting Card Writer
I don't just write jokes. You know what I'm best at? Greeting cards. I'm a really good greeting card writer. And I'm going to prove it with a little sample of my work I'm going to share for you: 'As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. I've been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Father's Day'
Margaret Smith: Father's Day Card
I hate this occasion because I can never find the right card because they're all too nice. So, I usually end up getting the blank card with the tree on it -- draw a little picture of myself hanging there.
Brett Butler: Wait 'Til Your Father Gets Home
She'd say, 'Wait 'til your father gets home.' I'm like, 'Mama, it's been eight years.'
Daniel Tosh: Boxers Don't Cry
I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.
Lewis Black: The International House of Pancakes
You'll always feel good about your body when you go there -- no matter what your body is -- because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you'll ever weigh.
Paul F. Tompkins: Would Crack Be So Bad
Let me ask you this rhetorically -- which means don't answer me when I ask it: would crack be so bad, and would people think so harshly of crack, if it were called 'crackle'?
Adam Sandler: Just Be Dead
If a girl breaks up with me, I want her to just die, just be dead. Not 'cause I hate her so much as it's just easier for when my friends go, 'Hey, what happened?' 'Oh, she's dead. I'd still be with her, but she's dead. What can I do? She was loving me, but she's dead.'
Aziz Ansari: Rap Producer Boast
I heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. And in one of those bragging sessions, I heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey -- why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.
Patton Oswalt: Moving America Forward
We need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe.
Lisa Lampanelli: Boyfriend's Occupation
He's not technically a lawyer, but he's got three court cases next week.
Jeff Dunham: How Women Age
Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: She's getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: She's aging like milk.
John Mulaney: Loving "Law & Order"
My favorite on that show was Jerry Orbach. I loved him. Yeah -- he was the best because he always had a funny little one-liner when they found the dead body. They found a teacher lying dead in an alley, and Orbach would be like, 'Huh, looks like school's out.' I always wanted to see an episode where he couldn't think of a clever one -- where they find a guy dead with a Mars Bar in his hand, and Orbach's like, 'Huh, looks like, uh, he won't be going to Mars anytime soon. Get it -- Mars Bar? Ah, screw you guys. Nine times out of 10, they're funny.'
Bret Ernst: Old School Baseball
I'm a little upset with the athletes today. People holding out, baseball players using steroids -- what the hell is that? Using steroids, man, that ain't nothing like the old school. Remember the old school guys? These guys were men. Babe Ruth hit over 700 home runs after, like, banging hookers all night.
Tammy Pescatelli: At a Baseball Game With Grandpa
In the middle of the game, he jumps up. He starts screaming at the top his lungs, he's like, '80,000 people! 80,000 people!' I go, 'Papa, what's wrong?' He goes '80,000 -- and that bird had to sh*t on me.'
Steve McGrew: Native American Mom, Irish Dad
My mom's American Indian; my dad's from Ireland. There's a drinking problem waiting to happen.
Eddie Gossling: Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
My first impression of the current conflict between the Israelis and Palestinians: 'Mom, Israel's touching me!'
Laura House: Strict Mom
My mom's a teacher, so she was real strict with me and my brother. She was like, 'Look, don't drink and don't do drugs and don't sleep around.' And then, one day it was like she changed her mind about everything. She said, 'You're going to college.'
Adam Ferrara: Menopausal Mom
If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.
Rachel Feinstein: Sassy Mom
She's got one of those crazy, kind of overly spiked mom-dos. Like her hair keeps getting more and more aggressive every time I see her. She looks insane. She looks a lot like Vanilla Ice at this point. Her hair looks like it was cut by a computer.
Chelsea Handler: Not Excited About Alcoholism
There's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'You drink too much. You sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.
Yo' Mama Is So Fat... Dancing
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she dances, the band skips.
Mo Mandel: Bought But Never Used
Our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. And he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. I've never bought drugs and not used them. Right? They're not condoms.
Margaret Smith: Jewish Mom, Irish Catholic Dad
I actually come from a mixed marriage. My mom's Jewish and my dad's Irish Catholic alcoholic, so I whine on the inside.
Human Equation
Mom + Dad - Rubber = U
Mitch Hedberg: Emergency Brake
A lot of times, I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.
Lewis Black: Earth Day
We came up with Earth Day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on.
Gabriel Iglesias: Tear It Up
I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.
John Oliver: Pope Benedict XVI the Aries
This pope was born on the 16th of April, making him an Aries, compatible with both Sagittarius and Leo. But, of course, Jesus was famously a Capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with Jesus. Not my findings, the findings of science. Don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.
Eliot Chang: Facebook Me
I hate when I meet a girl, I'm trying to get to know her, and she's like, 'Oh, you can just Facebook me.' Bitch, my face is here right now!
